Theater
Duff Productions proudly present
The Jim@Gospel Christmas Panto
"Jack and the Beanhole"
Author's note: The characters in this play are fictitious and any
resemblance to persons living or dead is purely intentional.
Cast: In order of appearance
Jack: Mo (I wrote it, I'm having top billing)
Jack's Mother: Susan
Bertha: Guy
Sandy: Sandra
The Cow: ?
Bean Seller: Jason
Ugly Sister #1: Celine Dion
Ugly Sister #2: Andrew Lloyd Webber
Jackina: Angie
Malt Loaf: Meat Loaf
The Sheriff: Raven
Fairy Godmother: Amy
Also mentioned in dispatches: The Wizard, based on Jim Steinman.
ACT 1
It was a time of despair in the Land of Odd. Money was tight and so were
Jack's trousers.
"Mum" said Jack, "Can I have a new pair of trousers?"
His mother, Susan, turned to him with a loving look in her eye and spoke
gently. "Sod off Jack, I can't afford to buy you new trousers, what with
paying for your sister to go to University."
Jack knew this to be true. Since Jackina (Jack's mother was not known for
her originality) went off to Study Lentilology at Doonowt University in the
North East of Odd the family had little money.
Susan worked full time as an envelope licker for a mail distribution firm.
Jack appreciated the money this brought in but missed the conversations they
used to have before his mother's tongue started to stick to the roof of her
mouth.
Although Jack tended the family field, he had ambitions of his own. Many a
day his mind would wander to his ideal job, even though he was unsure that
the position of checking Miss World contestants weren't wearing padded bras
would ever appear in the situations vacant ads.
However today was a day of rejoicing, his cousins were arriving by train for
a two-week stay. He enjoyed being in the company of his cousins Bertha and
Sandy. Bertha lived in the village of Belgia and Sandy came from
Hollandsville in the mountains.
Act 2
Bertha and Sandy alighted from the train and greeted Jack like a long lost
cousin. They were about to set off for home when Bertha decided she need to
go to the toilet. As she entered the toilet Jack said to Sandy, "You know, I
worry about Bertha, there's something strange about her."
"What you mean her green fishnet stockings clash with her red mini-skirt?"
replied Sandy.
"No, it's just that she's gone into the Gents."
Finally they loaded the luggage onto the family cow and set off home. As
they were approaching the house they saw a man standing on the corner. He
was shouting,
"Beans, Beans, get your magic beans here"
The trio approached him and Jack enquired, "In what way are your beans
magic?"
The man replied, "These beans have mystical powers that are beyond the
comprehension of most mortals."
"You mean you don't know?" replied Sandy.
"Oh a smartarse, eh?" retorted the man. "Let me tell you that the last man
I
sold magic beans to was swept away to a distant land on a great wind."
"Oh so they're baked beans then".
The man looked exasperated. "Look kids, do you want these beans or not?"
"We'd love to have them but we have no money on us" said Sandy.
"What about the old cow?" the man said.
"Don't you talk about Bertha like that!" snapped Jack before realising his
error.
The trio went into a huddle to discuss a deal before agreeing to swap the
cow for the beans. Having completed the deal they went off home to see
Susan.
Susan was overjoyed to see Bertha and Sandy but her joy soon turned to
anger when she was told about the beans. She grabbed them and went out to
face the man. "I demand my cow back", she shouted angrily.
"It'll cost you 5 groats." replied the bean seller.
Susan stormed off and returned with her last 5 groats. "Here you are." she
said, offering the money.
"5 groats, is that all? I want at least 20."
"But you said 5 only a minute ago." gasped Susan.
"Oh did I? Well you must have misunderstood me, it seems to happen to me all
the time."
Susan gave up and on returning home threw the beans out into the back
garden.
